51 years

       If you were still here.I would remind you of the hot, heavy and humid June day when you were finally born-fighting the forceps that yanked you, almost against your will from the womb.You loved these sweltering days-you were born to thrive above 90 degrees, I believe. You were a heat up the grill and ice down the beer kind of guy; call everyone up and go camping at the lake kind of man. My son. My first born with almost a twin-like hold on me…Oh, I miss you. Yes, I know you have been gone already fifteen years. Yes, I have moved on-it’s just I drag your smiling spirit along for the ride. There are so many things, I would like to sit on the deck and discuss with you. The world as it is now, which is nothing like the world you left behind. Politics-I imaging we might bump heads on that one; the concept of Face Book and Instagram.                                                                                 I checked the freezer for Elgin sausage and fat chicken legs; I will barbecue inside because I never  liked the weather this time of year. I did hear it might rain, too. I might make a chocolate cake and you would eat it all and then rub your full stomach and SMILE.                                                                                                                                                      I guess that is what I miss the most, my son, your smile; how the smile started in your eyes before making its way down to your mouth.  That is how I remember you, how I always see you in my mind’s eye.                                                                                               I hope where you are there is a lake with a great place to swim, and cook for your friends and family; where the weather is to your liking and there’s a smooth spot to pitch your tent. Happy birthday, Steve.

Until we meet again…

Sunday in Church , I prayed for an end to my sister’s suffering. The cancer and the treatments had ravaged her body. She was afraid to die and very sad. I could feel the passing would be soon.

I was already very sad as it was it was the anniversary of my oldest son’s death.

I paced from room to room. I paced around the church.

I cried.

I prayed. At bedtime waves of

anxiety overwhelmed me as I lay on my bed in a fetal position.

Dreams of my parents who had gone before and my long lost son chased me through corridors of another dimension.

I woke up with a start at 3:32 for water or to relive myself.

I shuddered remembering my dreams. I prayed again for comfort for my little sister before collapsing back into fitful sleep.

When daylight filtered through the moon window above my bed, I dared look at the phone on the nightstand.

The call had come, muffled by the sound of artificial waves that rock me to sleep each night

The call I’d dreaded and expected.

My little sister was no longer wracked with pain.

Her smile returned-accompanied by Angel wings.

© Nancilynn Saylor June 2018

Austin TX

Heavenly

The scent of this morning’s

Fresh plucked Magnolia blossom

Fills the room tonight.

One of my favorites…

One I cannot explain to my own satisfaction,

Much less to another.

Tonight, I am reminded of the first time I smelled Magnolia and how the adrenaline swelled through my body while Angels infused the air.

Spring.

Charleston.

Lemon scented paradise…

It’s different tonight . I cannot lose the lump in my throat no matter how much I swallow.

The scent of Angels this Spring will remind me of my sister who lays dying

Bravely fighting the cancer ravaging her already frail form. Tears scald my cheeks as

I lift the bloom-filled globe to inhale the smell of Heaven that awaits her.

Nancilynn Saylor 2 June 2018

Celebrate!

January 7, 2018

The new year is scarcely a week old but already my family swells with the birth of my newest great-granddaughter this afternoon.                                                                                     I was asked several months ago to help with the finding of a great name for a girl as I felt all along this would be a girl.  My name choice was Rosalie Grace. Her mom decided on Brianna Grace, and as Grace is my family’s nickname for me, she is sort of named after me.

She arrived weighing 7lbs. and 13 ounces, 20 1/4 inches long. As you can see in the picture, she has a full head of black hair.                                                                          Welcome to the family, Brianna Grace!

 

© Nancilynn Saylor 7 January 2018.

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Behind blue eyes

Today we celebrate our son, Mike on the occasion of his 46th birthday.
He was not with us
for so many birthdays
Lost in a world where mom's and
Dads don't go
except in the nightmares
Of their minds when sleep curls up in
a cold corner of the dark room
And they can only stare silently at the
Ceiling, while the whirring fan seems
to mark the months on invisible
calendars.
We joyfully celebrate his love and his gentle spirit
Thankful for his presence across the dinner table
he is in arms reach and but
a heartbeat away.
Happy birthday, sweet child o' mine!

© Nancilynn Saylor
14 December 2017

“Just another brick in the wall”

Each one called the other,
Brother
Now won't speak
one to another
Far beyond, an angel's tears
for brothers both held so dear

Mother's counsel goes unheeding
Stubbornness from both, stampeding
She turns off her light while grieving